A Sweeping Apology

Suggested pairing:  The Clean Sweep



8 ounces simple syrup

6 ounces gin

2 ounces dry vermouth

2 ounces lemon juice

8 ounces champagne

4 lemon twists


Combine gin, vermouth, syrup and lemon juice in a shaker with ice.  Shake until chilled and strain into 4 champagne flutes.  Top with champagne and garnish with lemon twist.

Toast to all the cheap, lazy, selfish fucks who take care of themselves rather than taking care of their children.

Cheers, deadbeats.



I would like to extend my sincerest apologies regarding my efforts to enforce child support payments for my son.  I have, over the past five years, made countless phone calls, filed court motions and sent emails to various government representatives ranging from the probation department to the office of the governor, himself, all of which were obviously a waste of my time and theirs, as the response has been consistently a lack of response and most certainly action.  Many of these attempts on my part to recoup a fraction of the $35,000.00 owed to me and my son by his father have been met with irritation and inaction, and I am very sorry that I have occupied anyone’s precious time with trivial issues like trying to feed and clothe my child.

I would also like to apologize to all of the deadbeat parents out there for not writing this letter sooner, for I may have been able to assist them in their continued efforts to circumvent and manipulate the child support system.  I am sorry that you may have been wholly unaware that words like mandatory and court order are just that – words, worth little more than the paper they are written on.  I’m sorry if no one had the decency to inform you that paying child support is merely a recommendation by the state and, if you choose not to pay regularly, or at all, there is a likelihood that you may continue to exist without consequence, barring the suspension of your all-important fishing license.  While the state may conduct occasional sweeps in an effort to force payment from deadbeats like you, even in the rare case you are arrested, the time spent in jail and the amount you will be required to pay are both arguably minimal.  I am sorry that there is no guide distributed as to the many simple ways in which you can simultaneously cheat your child and the system so, in order to right that wrong, I would like to provide you with a few pointers.

Quit your high-paying position and become employed at a restaurant where the majority of your income is cash and unaccounted for.  The state will be unable to garnish your paychecks and you will be able to keep that hard-earned money out of the greedy little hands of your children.

Be certain to rent an apartment, rather than buying, because if you don’t own anything at all, the state will be unable to place liens on your property or take something from you just to give it to your kids, who will surely waste it on back-to-school supplies and toiletries.

While most functional adults maintain bank accounts, you likely aren’t one, so it would behoove you to keep all of your cash stashed under your mattress so that the government can’t find it and take it away before you are able to go on that vacation you so desperately need, from those children you obviously don’t take care of.

Feel free to ignore your obligation to pay your taxes if, in fact, you are anticipating a refund, because the Federal Offset Program is just going to defer those funds to your child support account, and that money will likely be wasted on ridiculous luxuries like sneakers and antibiotics.

I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt threatened by bench warrants because the enforcement process is so extensively flawed that, even if you fail to make weekly payments you will be given the benefit of an additional ten days to make a deposit before any action is taken at all.  Take your time, because minor expenditures like braces and college can surely wait, and you have places to go and people to see.

My regrets extend beyond that of the dysfunctional parents and probation system.  I am also deeply sorry to all of the single, working parents who exist paycheck to paycheck, spending all of their time, money and energy making up for the aforementioned “parents” and their total lack of involvement.  I am sorry that, while you continue to do everything right for your children, your parenting counterpart is allowed to do everything wrong and get away with it.  I apologize if you have wasted time and money filing court motions that result in meaningless stacks of paper and marginal relief.  I am sorry on behalf of the individuals who have met your calls and emails and letters requesting enforcement with a condescending tone and dismissive attitude.  I am sorry for your tears, anger, frustration, late nights, long days, empty bank accounts and cheated children.  I am very sorry to tell you will have to work even more because your child’s other parent works less, and this system doesn’t work at all.

I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to the many, forgotten children who are forced to go without.  I am so sorry that you may be hungry or angry or lonely.  It saddens me that you may experience suffering at the hands of a lousy excuse for a parent, and that you have become the collateral damage of someone else’s selfishness and indolence.  I am sorry because you deserve more and you should have better.

Last but not least, I would like to offer both my appreciation and apologies to the great state of New Jersey.  Thank you for assisting all of us in providing for the physical, emotional and financial needs of our beautiful children by maintaining such a consistent and predictable enforcement system.  Thank you for repeatedly asserting that there is nothing more you can do, despite the fact that there most definitely should be.  I am very sorry for expecting more for my child, from his father and from the powers that be.  Thank you for conducting semi-annual child support sweeps in a concerted effort to force deadbeat parents to take responsibility and care for our children.  While I deeply appreciate these sweeps, I am very sorry to inform you that, with all due respect, you missed a spot.

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